


insomniac's lullaby

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Insomnia, M/M, One Shot, Self Harm, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-09
Updated: 2013-03-09
Packaged: 2017-12-04 17:51:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/713401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s insomnia I think I have<br/>But who cares when I’m not your man?</p>
            </blockquote>





	insomniac's lullaby

**Author's Note:**

> I guess I just had a lot of pent up feelings so I decided to write this. Trigger warning for self harm.

Louis spent the entire day out in New York with Eleanor and they did everything she wanted. His hungover state made the day especially hard. On multiple occasions, Eleanor tried to hold his hand and he could not muster the self discipline to oblige. He knew there were cameras but he didn’t care. Eleanor is not the person he wants to be holding hands with and he just can’t hide that right now.

He’s tired of hiding, tired of pretending to be something that he is not, just tired in general. Long days and sleepless nights are taking their toll on his health. Louis can’t remember the last time he had a full night’s rest. He needs someone but the one he needs wants nothing to do with him. 

They get back to the hotel late that night. Louis hugs Eleanor goodbye and they head to their separate rooms. Louis lies awake on his bed, wide awake. He grabs his bottle of sleeping pills, only to realize that it’s empty. This is going to be a rough night. He sits up and grabs the remote; he knows there is no use in trying to sleep now. He turns on the T.V. and flips through the channels. Nothing appeals to him so he doesn’t actually watch anything. He just sits there, letting the emptiness take over for what seems like hours. 

Eventually, Louis gives up. He needs to feel something, anything would be better than the nothingness that consumes him. He goes into the bathroom and contemplates his reflection.He grabs his razor and fumbles with the blade, trying to figure out how to get it out. He tries to pry the blade out when...

Fuck. 

He stumbles as blood rushes out of his thumb. He stares at it for a second, an odd calm washes over him. The cut isn’t too deep but blood is still dripping out. He needs a bandaid. Louis really should have thought this through but it is late and his mind is clouded with nothingness and lack of sleep. He looks through the hotel drawers for one but comes up short. 

Maybe they’ll have some at the vending machine. He thinks as he slips out of the hotel room. He is still examining his injury when he bumps into someone.

“Oh, sorry,” he looks up and his heart stops, “Harry what are you doing up?”

Harry seems just as surprised as he is, “Oh, I was just-” he looks down and see Louis’s thumb, “you’re bleeding.”

“Um yeah, I was just going to find a band aid.”

“Wait- let me look at it.” Harry grabs his hand and Louis can’t breath. This is not happening. Harry lifts his hand to eye-level, “You might need stitches.” Harry’s voice is low.

“No it’s fine, it’s not that deep. It’s just a lot of blood,” Louis tries to yank his hand away but Harry does not let go.

“You sure?” If Louis did not know any better, he would have thought that it was concern that flashed across Harry’s eyes.

“Yeah, I just need to clean it up and get a band aid, it’s okay,” Louis tries again to take his hand back but Harry’s hold is strong.

“Let me,” Harry leads him to the a first aid kit which, as Louis suspected, is by the vending machines.

Harry dabs the blood off of his injury and Louis winces, “Sorry did I hurt you?”

Yes.

“Oh -um no, I’m good.” Their eyes meet and there is an intensity there unrivaled by anything Louis has ever experienced.

Harry nods and dabs some Neosporin on the cut. Louis watches Harry as he carefully wraps up thumb. Why is Harry doing this? He has not talked to him in months and now his tending to his wounds. Louis would give everything to see into his mind.

Harry finishes off the bandage with some tape.

“Thanks Harry.”

Harry looks at the ground, “Yeah no problem.” Harry turns to walk away.

“I miss you, Haz.” Louis cannot help it, it just slips out but Harry is gone. 

Louis stumbles back to his hotel room and collapses into his bed. For the first time in ages he lets himself cry. He sobs into his pillow, not caring whether or not the people in the room next door can hear. As much as he wants to hate Harry for not fighting for him, for letting their friendship slip away, but he can’t. He needs Harry to sleep, to breathe, to live.

***

The following day they have an interview. Louis had gone another sleepless night and he knows he looks like shit. The bags under his eyes are dark and his eyes are red from crying. 

“You alright Louis?” Zayn asks in the car, genuine concern in his eyes.

“Yeah, I was just up last night with allergies,” He can feel Harry watching him from the backseat.

“Well you look like shit,” Niall says simply.

“Thanks Niall.”

“Anytime, bro,” Niall laughs.

Louis feels his phone buzz and his heart stops when sees the name light up his screen.

we need to talk. I’m worried about you lou

How could Harry expect to walk back into his life after everything he did? Well, her never really did anything, that was the problem. Louis couldn’t handle being so close to Harry without being with Harry. So he put as much distance between them as he could considering they are in a band together. Over the span of a month they went from cuddling in the same bed to not speaking. 

Louis thought he wanted space but what he really wanted was Harry to fight for him, and when he didn’t, that’s when the downward spiral returned. Louis had always known that everyone was better without him but seeing Harry, someone he loved so much that it caused him physical pain in his chest, move on without him made it even more real. He started losing sleep again. Louis would stay up, filled with anxiety about everything, fame, his family, his friends. Harry made everything manageable, without him Louis’s lost.

It’s been months since he pushed himself away and now Harry decides to pretend to care about him again? It’s too much for Louis to handle.

Louis looks down at his phone again and stares at the message. The phone buzzes again.

you might be able to convince the others you’re alright but i know you better than that

He doesn’t reply.

***

Louis does his best at the interview to act like his old self. He’s been spending a lot of time acting lately. He’s no longer Louis Tomlinson, the hopeful boy auditioning for X Factor who has a tendency to say stupid things to make people laugh. He doesn’t really know who he is. He knows people have seen the change in him. The other boys, his family, even some fans have picked up on it. All he does is cause them to worry and it makes him feel even worse. They shouldn’t worry about him.

All this thinking makes Louis restless and anxious. He just wants to be alone. He wants to sleep but he knows that it will never happen.

They get back to the hotel and Louis hurries back to his room, eager to lock himself away from everyone. He sits down on the bed and memories of last night flood his mind. 

The overwhelming emptiness.

The satisfaction of seeing his own blood.

Harry.

Just like the night before, Louis goes into the bathroom and picks up his razor. He bashes it on the side of the sink, causing the blade to pop out. He picks it up and gives himself one last look in the mirror before he takes the blades to his skin. 

He watches as drops of blood form along the first line, a tiny amount of relief washes over him. He repeats again and again, forming parallel lines across his wrist. Just as he’s about to clean up, the bathroom door swings open.

“Louis? Sorry the door was ajar so I was just worri-” Harry walks in and freezes, eyes wide, “No.”

Louis bursts into tears and Harry is hugging him. He tries to push Harry off but Harry only holds tighter which only overwhelms Louis even more and he sobs harder into Harry. They crumple onto the cold bathroom floor.

“Shh, Louis, it’s okay,” Harry whispers, trying to wipe Louis’s tears away with his thumb.

“I’m here for you,” Harry whispers again.

“No,” Louis finally musters.

“What?” Harry’s face fills with confusion.

“You’re not here for me. You-” the rest is eaten by sobs and Louis breaks down again.

“Louis, I know. I’m so sorry. Oh my god, this is all my fault. Louis, let me explain,” Harry pleads, tears streaming down his face.

“Explain what? How you let me go? Did you even care that I left?” Louis successfully pushes Harry away this time and whispers, “I needed you. I still need you.”

“I need you too, Lou. I thought you needed space. I thought maybe I was too clingy or something. I thought that maybe you got freaked out by how close we were, how weird our relationship was. I thought that you were better without me. I was being stupid, I should’ve seen the signs. You’re my best friend, how could I not know,” Harry’s eyes are sincere.

“I haven’t been sleeping. Before my parent’s divorce, I used to stay up really late so that they would hear me up and they wouldn’t fight. It stopped working eventually and they split but I still couldn’t sleep,” Louis says, “I was starting to get better before X Factor but it came back... recently.”

“You never told me that,” Harry says quietly, biting his lip.

“It’s not your fault, Harry.”

“Yeah it is. None of this would have happened if I wasn’t such an idiot.”

“Don’t blame yourself, it’ll only make me feel worse. This is all my doing,” Louis pleads.

“If I had been there for you then you would have been sleeping and you wouldn’t have been hurting yourself,” Harry says.

“If it weren’t for you, I don’t know where I’d be. Probably dead.”

“Don’t say that. If you were gone, I don’t know what I’d do,” Harry’s looks at Louis with such sincerity that Louis almost believes him. Maybe Harry believes what he is saying right now, but it isn’t true. “I love you. I thought you knew that.”

Louis just cries harder because it’s what he wants to hear but he knows that those words mean something different to him than they do to Harry, “No you don’t.”

“Yeah, I do Louis. I really love you,” Harry presses, moving towards him again.

Louis just shakes his head, stepping backward, “Not the way I love you.”

Harry freezes for a second, “You love me?”

“Of course I fucking love you, you idiot. But you don’t love me like that and there’s nothing I can-” Louis is interrupted by Harry’s hand cupping his face.

“But I do Louis. I want you, I love you, I need you so much.”

“You don’t need me,” Louis shook his head, “No one does.”

Harry’s eyes filled with water again, “The fact that you think that breaks my heart, Lou. The other boys need you, your sisters need you, your mother needs you, and I need you. And I know it’s hard to believe how much I love you considering how shitty I’ve been for the past few months but I’m going to make you believe me. If you only saw yourself from someone else’s point of view, you would understand.”

“Understand what?”

“How perfect you are,” Harry says simply.

“I’m far from perfect,” Louis mumbles.

Harry sighs, “I’m going to make you stop thinking that way. I know I can’t fix you on my own but I’m going to do everything I can. I’m going to show you how much you mean to me.”

Louis just stares down into his lap. There is silence for a while.

“Hey Louis,” Harry says quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Would it be okay if I kissed you?” Harry asks.

Louis’s stomach flipped over in his stomach and he nodded. Harry moves in slowly and carefully, centimeters away he stops, making Louis’s breath hitch, “You sure?”

“Yes,” Louis breathes. Harry closes the gap between them and presses his lips into Louis’s. It’s soft and sweet and gentle. 

When Harry pulls away he smiles, “God, I’ve waited so long to do that.”

And then Harry is laughing. Louis had forgotten how much he missed the sound. It’s infectious so Louis laughs and it’s all absurd considering the situation. The bathroom floor is hard and the blood on Louis’s wrist is drying and there’s so much left to figure out but Harry’s here and he says he loves him.

“Want to spend the rest of the day in bed with some tea and a marathon of some bad American telly?” Harry asks.

“I thought you’d never ask. You make the tea, I’ll find something to watch,” Louis says.

Harry stops, taking Louis’s hand, “Wait, let’s get you cleaned up first,” He turns on the sink and waits for it to reach a comfortable temperature before he runs Louis’s wrist under it. Louis winces at the contact.

“Sorry, Lou,” Harry says.

“S’kay,” Louis mumbles.

“Are there more?” Harry asks.

“More of wh- oh, no. Just these... and my thumb. But that was more of an accident than anything. I mean I was trying to- but then I... yeah” Louis babbles.

Harry takes a towel and dabs the water off, “I love you, Louis.”

“I love you too, Harry,” Louis says, “And thank you.”

Harry shakes his head, “You don’t have to thank me for this.”

He did but he’s not going to argue, “Then, thanks for the cup of tea you’re about to make me!”

“That is pretty nice of me...” They both laugh and Harry makes a cup of tea for each of them. Louis decides on “Lady and the Tramp” because he knows that Harry is a sucker for soppy disney classics.

Louis and Harry spend the rest of the day in the hotel room. They turn off their phones so that no one can bother them. When Paul comes knocking on the door they tell him to go away and he doesn’t fight it because, well, it is nice for him to hear the sound of the two giggling together again.

For the first time in months, or maybe his entire life, Louis feels happy. Louis still isn’t sure if this is all real but with Harry’s arm around him, snuggled under the white hotel comforter, it’s hard to question anything.

So that night, when Harry wraps his arms around him, Louis relaxes and feels himself start to drift off. Harry’s the missing piece that Louis needs to fall asleep. 

Harry is Louis’s lullaby.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are welcome:)


End file.
